In mid-March 2020, it became obvious that as schools, Churches, stores, restaurants, and just about everything was closing down that people reacted in different ways. It reminded me of studying Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' book "On Death and Dying" that was later expanded to discuss grief. In many ways, the withdrawal from life-as-we-know-it was a loss, a death of sorts.... from what we planned our lives to be like, to a new and unknown existence. So, I decided to dig back out some of that information to see how it might help.
If you are unfamiliar, know that Kubler-Ross identified 5 stages of Grief (note, these are my paraphrases for our worldview in ministry, not the full psychology... you can read her book for more details): 1. DENIAL (and shock) - we are unable to truly comprehend the loss. This is a grace at first, to give us a moment to be calm, perhaps numb, as we begin to process the myriad of feelings. 2. ANGER - eventually, the anger about the loss bubbles up. We begin to feel how unfair it is that this person/event/expectation has been taken from you. You may yell at everyone, including God, as you work through the anger. 3. BARGAINING - trying to imagine ways you could change something that would erase the loss/bring the person back. A lot of "what ifs" race through one's mind. We feel like we could have done something to have avoided this loss. 4. DEPRESSION - realizing that the loss is real, and you cannot change it, deep sadness settles in and we really mourn the loss. 5. ACCEPTANCE - we eventually start to get back to "normal" life (which is of course, different and we try to figure out the 'new normal' with the loss as part of our life.) While this loss hurts, I can go on with my life. A couple of notes: > Each person spends different amounts of time in each stages, but we do work through all of them (So, for example, Joe might be in denial for a day, then the next day moved through the next four stages..... Suzanne may spend a long time in Bargaining...) > While they follow in order, we may go back and repeat stages before moving (Steve might go between denial and anger for a while before moving on to bargaining) > certain events or memories may send someone through the process again I mention all this because, as we check-in with or teens and even their parents, we may find that they fall in one of the stages..... and they will move through them at different paces... but we can try to make sure we prepare ourselves to address and validate them no matter what they are feeling.... and recognize they may talk or act differently next time we check-in. The image below lists a few typical emotions to each stage. Use it to gauge your own reactions, and those of family if you like, and keep in mind that every FEELING is valid.... ACTING on the feelings are where problems may occur. So, allow ways to talk about the feelings to help them not act out. This is a tool that might be helpful to make sense of the variety of feeling you'll hear teens/families express. Our goal is to listen then gently guide them towards Acceptance, as they are ready. While whatever they are feeling right now is "current" the early stages focus on the past, which is unhealthy to stay in for too long. Acceptance focuses on today and making plans for the future. "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope." (Jeremiah 29:11) --- As most of us are not licensed counselors, this information is just a guideline to consider. (Refer parents to consider counseling for anyone who appears to be fighting clinical depression.)
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5/11/2020 06:22:33 pm
A variation on the Kubler-Ross stages were sent in from
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*** Note: The Office Blog is now inactive, but posted for continued reference as needed (6/30/21) ***Cindee Case, MPSFormer Director of the Diocese of Youngstown Office of Youth and Young Adult Ministry (2/2002 - 6/2021) Archives
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